31 Jan

I worry so much about what my kids first memories will be. Will they be good ones? Funny ones? Sad ones?

I can’t quite recall which memory came first, but I have two that may have been my first memory. The first is of my mom dropping me off at pre school. I was bawling and wanted her to stay so so so badly. The other is of when we were in Oregon and our cat ran and hid under the apartment building. We had to try to coax her out with cheese in the pouring rain.

I don’t want my kids to have first memories like my first memories.

In all honestly, I wonder where entire years of my life went. I feel like I should remember more. My memories all seem so irrelevant.

I remember first grade and how my favorite thing to play with was a box of old keys. I sat there and sorted them by size, by shape, by shade. I loved that box of keys.

But second grade? I can’t even remember my teachers name. Why do I remember that box of keys, but not a teachers name? I mean, I remember the box was wooden and had faded blue paint. I remember the weight and the size of the box. I remember the smell my hands had after playing with the keys. Why do I remember a conversation about sneezing with my first grade teacher and how my second grade teacher told me my size two feet were huge, but not my birthday parties?

I don’t remember telling my friends I was moving to Denver. I don’t remember if I was happy about it or excited about it. I remember singing row your boat in my 8th grade choir class. I remember everyone ghasping as I sang and I remember being so embarrassed that people were clapping for me after I sang such a stupid song.

Sometimes I wonder if the pointless memories are blocking important ones. What if something really important happened and I just can’t remember it?

Memories get jumbled and years get jumbled and sometimes I wonder if my “memories” actually happened. Like the memory of pre school and the woman who came to pick up her daughter who had hair down to the floor.

I remember having a sleepover with 14 girls. I remember going to Skate City. I remember crying because they were messing up my stuff and I was terrified they would break something. But what I don’t remember is if I was five or twelve. How old was I?!?!

I wish I knew what I would remember in the future and what I would forget. If I knew what I would forget I could try extra hard to make that memory stick. I never want to forget the feeling I had when my kids walked for the first time. I never want to forget their first days of school and all of the little moments with them. I never want to forget the way Ariahna pronounces “reindeer” as wain-deew and how Nikkos pronounces “the” as duh.

Memories fascinate me. How does our brain decide what to keep and what to toss in the trash? Why did my brain feel the need to keep the smell of those keys in my head forever and throw away the memory of my second grade teachers face and name?

Maybe I will just be thankful for the comfort of that memory of the metallic smell and those rusty keys.

One Response to “Memories”

  1. Dana Cire March 9, 2014 at 7:32 pm #

    I remember the day you were born. It was snowing and we had to be at the hospital early. I remember how frustrated I felt when I could not stop your pain and you cried a lot.
    I remember how Josh tried to make you laugh and felt bad for you.
    I remember how songs about horses made you relax and you seem to love my singing to you.
    I remember when we lived in OR you did love your Daycare and even wanted your birthday party there. Wednesday and Cyping adored you.
    I remember you didn’t like the beach too much because the sand kept blowing in your face.
    I remember how you wanted to dress yourself and I laughed more times than cringed.
    Knoxville you loved the swings and it was your third birthday I saw you start to parent Josh. I remember how protective and playful you were with Sam.
    I remember when Grandma C and Grandpa D would take your hiking you loved to listen to all info about the area. The look you gave Grandpa as he explained things.
    I remember Granny Annie adored you and felt you were the most interesting and smart child. (She must still the same today, b/c she is always with you.)
    I remember you chopping veggies with Grandma and playing the button game. You loved buttons.
    I remember how you loved horses and loved taking your horseback ridding classes. Little Bit was your horse.
    I remember when you and Josh packed a picnic lunch in Monument and you were going to hike up Pikes Peak.
    I remember your first grade teacher reminded me of Madilda’s teacher, but her name was Beth Graber. Your second grade teacher was from England and you didn’t know what rubbish was or why did it need to go into a bin. I think you had Mr. Macy in 3rd and he was always farting. You were in the Sail Program in 4th and 5th. 6th and 7th were at North.
    I remember all the times trick or treating down Cascade and the time you and your friends were Greese girls.
    I remember when I stepped into your classroom the day Linda died. You were so sad and I think you faulted God b/c it took you awhile to go back to church. You were concerned about my cell phone being on during her Memorial.
    I remember you hated Ms. Vigil in 8th and felt so out of place in High School.
    I remember how going to church was so important to you.
    The huge slumber party was your 10th birthday. Your 14th you had your C Springs friends come up and we did Glamor shots.
    I remember you hated taking dance class and wanted to play soccer. How you loved running and did cross country. You enjoyed basketball but were not very good at.
    You know what I remember most? The love we had for each other and how it has grown day by day.

    You are great daughter and a wonderful mom, wife, and person. I LOVE YOU!!

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