Archive | January, 2014

Memories

31 Jan

I worry so much about what my kids first memories will be. Will they be good ones? Funny ones? Sad ones?

I can’t quite recall which memory came first, but I have two that may have been my first memory. The first is of my mom dropping me off at pre school. I was bawling and wanted her to stay so so so badly. The other is of when we were in Oregon and our cat ran and hid under the apartment building. We had to try to coax her out with cheese in the pouring rain.

I don’t want my kids to have first memories like my first memories.

In all honestly, I wonder where entire years of my life went. I feel like I should remember more. My memories all seem so irrelevant.

I remember first grade and how my favorite thing to play with was a box of old keys. I sat there and sorted them by size, by shape, by shade. I loved that box of keys.

But second grade? I can’t even remember my teachers name. Why do I remember that box of keys, but not a teachers name? I mean, I remember the box was wooden and had faded blue paint. I remember the weight and the size of the box. I remember the smell my hands had after playing with the keys. Why do I remember a conversation about sneezing with my first grade teacher and how my second grade teacher told me my size two feet were huge, but not my birthday parties?

I don’t remember telling my friends I was moving to Denver. I don’t remember if I was happy about it or excited about it. I remember singing row your boat in my 8th grade choir class. I remember everyone ghasping as I sang and I remember being so embarrassed that people were clapping for me after I sang such a stupid song.

Sometimes I wonder if the pointless memories are blocking important ones. What if something really important happened and I just can’t remember it?

Memories get jumbled and years get jumbled and sometimes I wonder if my “memories” actually happened. Like the memory of pre school and the woman who came to pick up her daughter who had hair down to the floor.

I remember having a sleepover with 14 girls. I remember going to Skate City. I remember crying because they were messing up my stuff and I was terrified they would break something. But what I don’t remember is if I was five or twelve. How old was I?!?!

I wish I knew what I would remember in the future and what I would forget. If I knew what I would forget I could try extra hard to make that memory stick. I never want to forget the feeling I had when my kids walked for the first time. I never want to forget their first days of school and all of the little moments with them. I never want to forget the way Ariahna pronounces “reindeer” as wain-deew and how Nikkos pronounces “the” as duh.

Memories fascinate me. How does our brain decide what to keep and what to toss in the trash? Why did my brain feel the need to keep the smell of those keys in my head forever and throw away the memory of my second grade teachers face and name?

Maybe I will just be thankful for the comfort of that memory of the metallic smell and those rusty keys.

The Tugging At My Heart

23 Jan

Something special happened

Something wonderful. Something… devine

I had a talk with God

And He listened, or I listened to His response

Like the moment you know you are in love

And your heart skips a beat and you feel…

Lighter.

Lifted.

Only I became more in love with LIFE

and more confident in HIM

Which had a strange way of making me more confident in

ME

I feel like I am in love

And want to scream it from the highest mountaintop

Call me crazy

Or stupid

Or brainwashed

Or naiive

I am a believer in HIM

And want to live my life FOR him

Not for me

Or you

Or them

I prayed today

And felt a tug at my heart

And something

Someone

Somewhere

Told me to let it go

Let it roll right off my back

Let it fade

Because I am not alone in fighting these battles

These demons

These fears

And boy does it feel good to not feel so alone anymore

Nobody can go back and start over

14 Jan

Image

Today started with my eye twitching and my heart racing. In other words, it started the same way every other day in 2014 has started so far. I really tried to have a positive attitude. I really, really did.

The last thing I wanted to be seen as today was the evil step-mother or evil “new” wife. All I wanted was for everyone to get on the same page and make things better for ALL of the kids. I have an obligation to make the lives of my biological children as happy as possible and when I feel like we are trying to help one child and the other two suffer because of it I have to play mama bear (which I think I am pretty darn good at).

Today was the day ALL of the adults would meet with the (dun dun dun) therapist.

I was a nervous wreck. I didn’t want her mom to feel like I was intruding on HER childs therapy and HER parenting. The truth is that her child DOES have to do with me because her actions impact MY children who happen to be HER childs siblings.

I regress…

So when we got there you could cut the tension with a knife. It was awkward. Really, really awkward. BRUTALLY awkward. For everyone.

But…

The awesome thing?

The appointment actually went great!!! No sarcasm there at all. It really went great. Her mom admitted that she has had some really poor judgement when it comes to talking badly about Tom in front of her child. she even apologized! Seriously. She really did.

The therapist read off a list of “rights” that children with divorced parents have and made sure everyone, including the child, understood them. and you know what? I think we all felt like assholes because we have all violated at least one right.

Some examples of therights are:

I have the right to love my parents equally

I have the right to be a kid and not have to deal with adult problems

I have the right to not have to pick sides

I have the right to not overhear arguing

etc.

Hopefully we can all be on the same page now. We meet again next week to discuss some other things like the lying issues she has had lately.

Things are looking up.

 

Courage

10 Jan

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I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions. I feel like they are just setting yourself up to fail. I do, however, believe in goals. This year I want to make it my goal to be more courageous and assertive. Even when it means admitting I am wrong or have been wrong.

Instead of assuming everyone has the WORST intentions I want to hear them out before closing them out.

I need more faith in humanity, but I am let down daily by the demons of others.

2014 Welcomed Me…

5 Jan

With a terrible cold and the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I wish life was as easy as willing things to happen.

Maybe if I squeeze my eyes tight enough, pray long enough, love hard enough.

Maybe if I try to barter with the universe.

Maybe if I try to rationalize things until the cows come home and go back to the fields to feed again.

Maybe THEN my life will be perfect.

I feel like some cliche romance. It’s not you, Universe. It’s me.

But that would be a lie and I am too stubborn to explain it in such simple terms.

I’m selfish.

I put my biological children first, my marriage second and my business third.

That is just the way it is and likely always will be.

And if I were to get all PC I would lie and say other people rank in my top three

But they don’t.

And frankly I don’t WANT them to be ranked there.

And if that makes me a horrible person who will someday get hit by a bus

Or struck by lightning

So.

Be.

It.

Because I am painfully stubborn

And brutally honest

And bitter

Really, really bitter sometimes.

Dear 2014,

Last year was the most fantastic year of my life. No need to be intimidated by it. Let’s turn things around and make this year match that.

Sincerely,

Sleepless In Snowy Weather

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