Confessions of a Teen Mom: Part One

10 Nov

It had to have been the longest three minutes of my life. 180 seconds would determine my fate, would change my life forever. I stood in the bathroom already knowing the answer, but needing confirmation of it anyway. Thirty seconds left. I couldn’t even bear to look at it. My heart was pounding and I was on the verge of tears. I looked and it was exactly what I knew it would be. Two lines. Two lines that will be etched into my mind for the rest of my life. Two lines that changed the path of my life completely.

I walked out of the bathroom to see my boyfriend of six months sitting on my bed trying to read the look on my face. He knew. I don’t remember exactly what either of us said. I don’t remember the look on his face. I remember looking around at a bedroom filled with stuffed animals and posters of boy bands. How could I be so stupid? I couldn’t even take care of myself properly. I couldn’t even order my own food at a restaurant or balance a checkbook. There was no way I could take care of a child.

I didn’t have long to process it. I was due for surgery literally the next day to have a tumor removed from my neck. I knew they were going to do a pregnancy test before the surgery. I couldn’t stall. I couldn’t hide the fact that I was pregnant the way most teen moms do. I had twelve hours to crush the dreams of my parents and everyone else in my life. Looking back, I am thankful for the horrible timing of it all. I can’t imagine keeping such a huge secret.

I am not sure if I was more scared of being pregnant or if I was more scared of telling my parents that I was pregnant. I was horrified and embarrassed and knew it wouldn’t go over very well. My mom got home a few hours after I found out. I walked into her room and I am sure I was pale and fragile looking. I didn’t even have to tell her. She knew. The moment I said I had something to tell her, she asked if I was pregnant. I broke down and cried. I knew that I had disappointed her.

She didn’t yell. She didn’t kick me out. She cried, which was probably harder on my heart than the other two would have been. I had spent 18 years trying to make my parents proud and had done a pretty good job of making them proud. I ruined it in an instant. She told me that she would be there for me, but that my boyfriend and I only had a year to live with her after the baby was born. A year was enough time to get on our feet. I am so thankful for the way my mom acted that day. It could have been far worse.

I had a feeling my dad would not be so understanding and forgiving, and I was right. I chickened out and told him the morning of my surgery. I told him after we had already gotten to the hospital. “Dad, they aren’t going to be able to do my surgery today.” That phrase was followed by a blank stare on his part. “I’m pregnant.” His face got dark and I could feel his blood pressure rising. He yelled at me right there in the waiting room of the hospital like I was a child. Who am I kidding, I WAS a child. He screamed at me and asked what I was thinking. “How can you be so STUPID? How can you make such STUPID decisions? This will ruin your life.” I took the verbal abuse because I knew I deserved it. He was right. It was stupid. I was stupid. My boyfriend and I were both stupid.

But I was pregnant and nothing was going to change that. I was nearly two months pregnant to be exact. There was a child inside of me who would depend on me to stop making stupid decisions. To never be stupid again. To not ruin his life the way I was seemingly ruining my own.

One Response to “Confessions of a Teen Mom: Part One”

  1. Erin November 10, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

    Proud of you, Lizzy! Can’t wait to hear “the rest of the story….”

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