Have A Little Faith

15 Aug

I am admittedly a little nervous about writing on the topic of faith, but lately it has been a big part of my life.

My journey with my faith has been a rocky one. My parents were never particularly religious despite the fact that my grandpa in my dads side is a minister. I remember my mom dropping me off at church when I was younger. I never really asked why they didn’t come to church with me. I loved singing and being with my friends and feeling like some higher power cared about me.

Then my best friends mom got diagnosed with Leukemia. I was in the sixth grade when she got really sick. I remember praying every day that she would get better. I had faith that she would get better. She didn’t. I remember being SO mad at God the day I found out that she had passed away. My eleven year old self could not comprehend why that would happen. My adult self still can’t comprehend it.

That made me lose my faith. My praying and the praying of so many others didn’t help save the life of one of the most influential people in my young adult life. Then, just as I started questioning the existence of God again my parents got divorced. I almost felt like I was getting punished for believing He existed. If there really was a god then why wasn’t he doing more to help people? Why wasn’t he keeping marriages together or hearts beating?

It is hard for a logical minded person to have and keep faith. If He is so powerful then why is he making his children that he died on the cross for suffer? Why is he allowing serial killers to exist? War to exist? Hunger to exist? Rape to exist? Pain to exist?

I became such a cynic at that point in my life. I felt that Christians were judging me for my choices and for my mistakes. I thought if they were real Christians they wouldn’t judge me because I sinned differently than them. When I was pregnant I KNEW I was being judged. I had no faith in anyone, any thing and certainly didn’t have faith in any higher power.

That all changed when I met a group of women who embraced me when I had my son. They understood me and passed no judgement on me. They were women of faith and they had the most kind hearts. I allowed them to pray for me as silly as I felt letting them speak to a man I didn’t believe even existed. I started going to church again and having a hope in God again.

I am not a perfect Christian. I still question the presence of God. I don’t know what my god looks like, but I know he doesn’t look like the God everyone else has. I don’t know that I believe in heaven. Not in the pearly gates, floating on clouds kind of thing anyway. I do think there is something beyond ourselves and I believe that there is some sort of life after the one we are currently living. I believe in karma and living your life in a godly fashion.

I guess the waters are still a little muddy for me. I do pray, although I am never really sure who I am talking to. I have faith that something or someone out there can hear me. I have faith that I am here for a reason and that everything in my life has happened for a reason. I have faith in myself and my strength. I have faith in my decision making.

I don’t know that I call my strength God, but there is some power beyond myself that has helped me get through the hard times. Something I can not see or touch has filled a hole in my heart that nothing else can fill.

I don’t think I will ever know why Linda died. I will never know why suffering exists. There will always be judgement passed on others. I don’t care what you call your God or what he looks like or if you believe in one at all. I do know that I prayed last night and someone heard my prayers. I am happy even if it was just my inner self that heard. I feel stronger today than I did yesterday.

That’s all I can ask for.

4 Responses to “Have A Little Faith”

  1. slowlymovingonwards August 15, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    I know exactly how you felt when your friend’s mom died. I felt the same way last winter. Its good that you’re staying strong and positive right now (:

  2. robert4love August 15, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    Even when we don’t understand and feel like no one’s listening God hears us. It’s journey we are walking together. Awesome family! God Bless You!

    • MyBeautifulOops August 15, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

      I hope you’re right. It’s definitely comforting to know someone out there loves us unconditionally.

  3. Grandma August 16, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

    I agree with much that you wrote. For me this topic is an ongoing search. I found this among some saved stuff….It really spoke to me and still does.
    WHAT IS DYING?

    I am standing on the seashore. A ship spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. She is an object of beauty and I stand watching her till at last she fades on the horizon and then someone at my side says, “She is gone.” Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her and just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.

    The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her; and just at the moment when someone at my side says, “she is gone”, there are others who are watching her coming and other voices take up the glad shout: “There she comes”. And that is dying.

    Author: unknown

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