A Little Off Track

14 Aug

I feel like I would be doing a disservice to myself and to my blog if I didn’t post on days like this. On days where my anxiety nearly reaches its peak over seemingly petty issues that suddenly take the main stage to my life. I feel like I need to be the voice for the thousands upon thousands of people who are too scared to say the things I want to say.

They are too scared to tell people how alone, helpless, sad, depressed, anxious or miserable they are. They feel stupid for the “small” things taking such a big dominance in their every day lives. They are embarrassed by the fact that their anxiety has gotten so bad that they forget the things others take advantage of remembering.

Part of my mission is to let other people know that they are not alone.

They are not the only ones who:

Panic over signing a check out of fear that the teller will see their hand shaking

Have their heart beat a million miles a minute over making a phone call to the doctors office

Back out of important functions because they are too scared to go

Don’t eat in public because they are afraid that they are chewing their food too loud

Won’t use public restrooms because they feel like it is humiliating

Would rather just stay at home because the thought of socializing causes shortness of breath

Anxiety has become such a taboo subject. Mental illness in general is a taboo subject. Why?

I remember my first panic attack like it was yesterday. We were on our way to one of my soccer games. I think I must have been 12 years old. We were running late because I couldn’t find the right color of socks that we were supposed to wear that day. I panicked. Since then i have learned that one of my triggers for anxiety is being late anywhere. Instead of sucking it up and going I screamed. I flailed and cried and kicked and jumped out of a running car. That was the day I decided to quit soccer. All because I couldn’t find the right color of socks.

Anxiety is real. It is crippling to some. For the lucky ones it is a small annoyance, but for the unlucky ones it is life changing.

I wish I had answers as to how to fix it or how to make it better. I don’t. All I can tell people is that they are not alone and they shouldn’t be ashamed of the cards that they have been given.

They are not the only ones who:

Cringe when making eye contact

Beat themselves up over every awkward encounter

Break out into a cold sweat over someone knocking on the door

Wish, for once, to see what it is like to feel “normal”

I am a work in progress. I have good days and I have bad days. I try to focus more on the good ones. It’s hard. It does make it easier to know that I am not alone. I am not ashamed of myself or my disorder. I try to not let it define me. I hope that someday I can inspire even just one person with anxiety. If I have helped one person I feel like I have done enough.

One Response to “A Little Off Track”

  1. Dana August 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    To know you are not alone when it comes to dealing with issues such is yours is very helpful. I think it is wonderful you want to reach out to others and help them through a dark time or times. Keep the faith that you are normal and we are the ones that are insane.

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