My Song

31 Jul

So…. I am a little strange. Not any big revelation. I know a lot of my “strangeness” comes from my anxiety, but a lot of it is just me. I have some very odd and probably unhealthy OCD habits. I think everyone probably does. I obsess over locking the door, budget constantly, check the bank account a good ten times a day, listen to songs over and over and over again until I have them memorized, always make sure there is gas in the gas tank and don’t even get me started on my business OCD.

One of the odd quirks I have is that sometimes when I want an answer to a big question in life I use iTunes as a crystal ball of sorts. I put the music on shuffle, hit next and whatever song pops up is a sign of what the answer to my question is. I also have similar quirks that drive my husband crazy. I say if we have X amount of sales then it is a sign that X.

Today I did the Russian roulette iTunes OCD and it came up with “My Song” by Brandi Carlile. I probably seem like her number one fan because I already posted a song of hers in a previous blog. I really am an average fan, call it fate 😉

I wasn’t quite sure what my question was. I guess I wanted the song to help me with it. I don’t feel particularly lost or helpless or anything. Maybe I just wanted a song for clarity. I found it to be an interesting song to pop up of all the songs I have. The lyrics stood out to me:

Everything I do
Surrounds these pieces of my life
That often change
Or hey, maybe I’ve changed

Sometimes seeming happy
Can be self-destructive
Even when you’re sane
Yeah you’re only insane

But don’t bother waking me today

Here I am
I’m so young
I know I’ve been bitter
I’ve been jaded
I’m alone

Thanks for the food for thought, Brandi. Bitter? Sure. Jaded? Most certainly.

Naturally it got me to thinking about why I am so bitter and jaded. I don’t really have one reason. I guess it is a culmination of many small negative things that have happened in my life. Not that I have had a particularly bad life, I have just had a complicated one. I don’t trust people. Somehow my brain is so screwed up that I sometimes feel like I am a horrible person yet somehow I feel too good for most people at the same time.

So…How does one fix that? An inflated yet bruised ego. Take a bite of that one psychologists. How do you fix someone when their head knows how much talent they have, but their heart feels like they have nothing to offer anyone? Food for thought. Maybe I need to stay away from iTunes for a while.

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