I’m Tired Of Sitting At The Kids Table

23 Jul

What is the point of blogging if I am not going to be completely honest. Sometimes it is easiest to pretend like I have this happy life with this happy family with my head screwed on completely straight. After all, it is far easier to pretend you are perfect then to actually be perfect.

The truth is, I am not perfect. I have flaws, my family has flaws. Sometimes I feel suffocated by my life and by my desire to please everyone. In the middle of it all I realize that I have not been pleasing the one person who matters most, myself. I don’t know how to separate myself from the life I want to have…if that makes any sense at all.

I am tired of sitting at the kids table at family events

I am tired of being shrugged off

I am tired of people not taking my job seriously

Or asking about it at all.

I am tired of constantly feeling like I have to be “on.”

Sometimes I want to be imperfect and I want myself and others to be ok with that. I want to be able to have bad days where people don’t automatically blame it on my anxiety. Sometimes it is just me having a bad day. Everyone has bad days, not everyone has anxiety disorders. Why do mine always have to be lumped together? It is very hard for me to not be taken seriously, to not be seen as an adult. I have kids like an adult, I have a job like an adult, I pay my own bills like an adult.

I am not 16 anymore. I can decide what is best for my family. I don’t need constant advice and people telling me what I NEED to do. If I feel that it is best for my family to move then we will move. If I want to wait two years to go back to school full time then I will do that. It hurts that people don’t trust my judgement on decisions in my own life. I feel like I have done a pretty good job with my decision making the past few years.

That reminds me of a Brandi Carlile song.

Anyway, San Antonio looks like a great place to raise a family. If I want to move there with my family I will. If it is best for my family it will happen, if it isn’t good for my family it won’t happen. It is as easy as that.

One Response to “I’m Tired Of Sitting At The Kids Table”

  1. Grandma July 28, 2012 at 5:30 pm #

    I think of you as an adult. I hope that we haven’t shrugged you off; we both are interested in your work. The reason you were at the kid’s table is because the other table was completely full of ‘old’ folks. EACH ONE OF US is imperfect! I completely believe that you can have a bad day without blaming it on anxiety – assume that others can too. In other words Lizzy, in my eyes you are OK! I read all your blogs but this one was haunting me so I had to respond. xoxo

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