Say You’re Sorry. I Can Take It

21 Jul

I don’t really know what to write today. I am having a bad day. An anxious day. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing what is best for my family or just what is easiest. My brain knows how irrational those thoughts are because  work incredibly hard to have a happy family, but my heart always feels like something is missing. Some simplicity that doesn’t exist in my life.

I know a big part of it is that I have gotten my feelings hurt and nothing ever seems to change. I wish my family loved my kids as much as I do. I wish they begged to watch them the way I know some grandparents do. I wish things weren’t so conditional with them. I feel like it is pulling teeth to get them to be the grandparents I so wish they were. I feel like my family is just an inconvenience to them. I know my standards are too high, but I don’t feel like I need to lower them either. I feel like my kids are worth so much more than others think they are. Does every parent feel this way?

I am not an idiot, although sometimes I wish I could be just for a day. Oblivious to manipulation and politics and deception.

Tom’s parents really just don’t seem to care. No manipulation there, just ignorance I guess. My dad and his wife are busy. At least they don’t parade around pretending like they do more than they actually do. My mom….well…shes my mom. I don’t really know what to think about it.

It makes me sad that Tom and I want to be gone one night and we have to split the kids up because they are too much work together…apparently. I watch them every single day and managed to survive up until this point. I know they are hard work. I live with them.

Sometimes I just want to move far away so at least we can make a justification as to why their grandparents don’t see them. Everyone says they would watch them if we just asked, but why do we always have to ask? Why don’t they ask to see my kids? I know my anxiety is typing and I know my perception may be skewed due to it. I also know what reality is and I am trying to cope with the fact that my kids just wont have the grandparents I wish they could have had.

Why are my grandparents better grandparents to my kids than my own parents?

I guess I can make it easy by blaming myself. I had my son when I was 19. My parents weren’t ready to be grandparents. The issue with that justification is that I really don’t believe myself when I say it. I wasn’t ready to be a mom when I was 19, but my kids made it worth stepping up to the plate.

I will be ok. I will have better days ahead. I always do. I will have moments where I feel like my family is my saving grace. I will.

I see some soul searching in my future.

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