Archive | July, 2012

My Song

31 Jul

So…. I am a little strange. Not any big revelation. I know a lot of my “strangeness” comes from my anxiety, but a lot of it is just me. I have some very odd and probably unhealthy OCD habits. I think everyone probably does. I obsess over locking the door, budget constantly, check the bank account a good ten times a day, listen to songs over and over and over again until I have them memorized, always make sure there is gas in the gas tank and don’t even get me started on my business OCD.

One of the odd quirks I have is that sometimes when I want an answer to a big question in life I use iTunes as a crystal ball of sorts. I put the music on shuffle, hit next and whatever song pops up is a sign of what the answer to my question is. I also have similar quirks that drive my husband crazy. I say if we have X amount of sales then it is a sign that X.

Today I did the Russian roulette iTunes OCD and it came up with “My Song” by Brandi Carlile. I probably seem like her number one fan because I already posted a song of hers in a previous blog. I really am an average fan, call it fate 😉

I wasn’t quite sure what my question was. I guess I wanted the song to help me with it. I don’t feel particularly lost or helpless or anything. Maybe I just wanted a song for clarity. I found it to be an interesting song to pop up of all the songs I have. The lyrics stood out to me:

Everything I do
Surrounds these pieces of my life
That often change
Or hey, maybe I’ve changed

Sometimes seeming happy
Can be self-destructive
Even when you’re sane
Yeah you’re only insane

But don’t bother waking me today

Here I am
I’m so young
I know I’ve been bitter
I’ve been jaded
I’m alone

Thanks for the food for thought, Brandi. Bitter? Sure. Jaded? Most certainly.

Naturally it got me to thinking about why I am so bitter and jaded. I don’t really have one reason. I guess it is a culmination of many small negative things that have happened in my life. Not that I have had a particularly bad life, I have just had a complicated one. I don’t trust people. Somehow my brain is so screwed up that I sometimes feel like I am a horrible person yet somehow I feel too good for most people at the same time.

So…How does one fix that? An inflated yet bruised ego. Take a bite of that one psychologists. How do you fix someone when their head knows how much talent they have, but their heart feels like they have nothing to offer anyone? Food for thought. Maybe I need to stay away from iTunes for a while.

It’s Good To Be Back!

31 Jul

Ah. The sound of a keyboard.

I guess I can start with Friday’s events first. Friday afternoon we dropped Nikkos off at my dad’s house. He has never had any issues with staying with other people. We are very lucky that he isn’t the clingy, shy child I was when I was four. He was mostly just excied to color with Gigi (my dads wife) and see a movie with Papa (my dad). Then we dropped Ariahna off at Tom’s parents house. The poor thing was so excited that she tripped running up to their door and smacked her head on the sidewalk 😦 Brought back memories of when Nikkos smacked his head on their driveway and fractured his skull. Luckily all she got was a little goose egg and she was so excited to see them that she barely cried.

Tom and I left after giving all of the instructions to his parents (It was her first sleepover EVER. Eeeeekkk!). We had a 45 minute drive to Loveland where we got to have a whole conversation that was uninterrupted. For those of you who are parents you know how rare that can be. Our hotel was beautiful and so much nicer than I thought it would be. I would have been happy staying in a Motel 6, but this was a great hotel. The room was huge and had a living room, kitchen and very big bedroom. After settling in we went to the bar, had a couple of beers and watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. I can’t believe that is the first time Tom and I have ever been to a bar together. After that we went to the hot tub and hung out until I felt like I was cooking like a lobster. I really didn’t sleep well at all. Not sure if it was because I was anxious about not having the kids or because I was excited about the next day.

We got up around 7:30 Saturday morning. I was hoping we would sleep in, but we were both really excited. We went down to breakfast. I got butterscotch pancakes, potatoes and cantaloupe. It was FANTASTIC! We went back to our room, showered and checked out a little earlier than we probably should have. As I said before, we were excited haha.

The concert was literally 5 minutes from our hotel. We got our fancy-schmancy VIP wristbands and headed in the gates at about 10:30. The first thing I wanted to do was check to see how big the VIP area was. It wasn’t as big as last year which was a little disappointing, but I tried to shrug it off and not let it ruin our day. The first band, Random Hero, started their set at 11:00. They are from Colorado and they were awesome. I was in the front row and was literally about 10 feet from the lead singer. Later on in the day we got to meet them and they signed a shirt for Tom. They are such genuinely good guys.

We saw about 10 bands and it was such a fun day. It wasn’t even too hot. The highlights of my day were crying after Seventh Day Slumber, Being front row for Jeremy Camp and being front row for Switchfoot. Apparently next year is going to be completely different and I am pretty sad about it. We got home around 11 and went straight to bed after Tom’s Parents left. On a side note, they said the kids were very good. Yay!

That was pretty much the end of our good weekend, unfortunately. Tom and I both woke up sick on Sunday. He called in to work for the first time in probably 2 years. All we did Sunday was sit on the couch, watch the Olympics and eat Noodles and Co. Yesterday that is all we did too. Today will be Tom’s first day to work since Friday. It was nice having lazy family time, but not so nice that it happened because we were sick. I am finally feeling better today. Tom is sleeping in and I hope he wakes up feeling better too.

It is amazing how trashed a house can get after not cleaning for two days. It looks like someone ransacked the house. I haven’t done any cleaning and anything for our business since Friday. I was too sick to be anxious Sunday and Monday, but today my chest is tight and I am queasy from anxiety. I hate not being productive. The kids were supposed to go to the sitter today so I could work, but she can’t watch them. Hopefully I can at least maintain and not let the house get even worse. The clutter is driving me insane!

Off to hang the laundry.

Later days!

Busy Busy Busy Bee

26 Jul

Wow! What an exciting few weeks we have had this month. My moms wedding, business changes, a weekend away with my husband. I am feeling uplifted and optimistic for the first time in a few weeks.

Pictures and the recap of my moms beautiful wedding to come…

Today was a great day. It started off rocky with arguing over business matters, but Tom and I decided to change our attitudes and make the best of a day where the kids were at te sitter. This morning we met with our mentor from the Aurora Small Business District Center. He is such a warm hearted man and has such a wealth of knowledge. He helped us hammer out a lot of marketing stuff and I am so excited to implement some of what he taught us. We have another meeting with him next month. He was genuinely interested in seeing us succeed and was quite curious about our business structure (as are most people).

We also went scouting (treasure hunting) and got a lot of great items that will sell quickly. We even found something that is easy to replenish and easy to access. Woohoo! Haven’t had a scouting day this good in quite some time.

I will not be blogging tomorrow or Saturday. My husband and I are going to spend the night at a nice hotel tomorrow night and are going to an all day concert in Loveland on Saturday. We even got VIP tickets so I won’t have to panic about people shoving me and getting too close to me. I haven’t been this excited about something in a LONG time.

It will be Ariahna’s first night away from home without us. Can you sense me biting my finger nails from where you are? I am sure she will be do fine, its me that I am worried about. She is staying with Tom’s parents and Nikkos is staying with my dad. He is beyond excited. He thinks it is such a treat to get to have sleepovers there.

I am hoping this concert and this time away is helpful for my anxiety. I hate feeling like a rubber band that is so tense that it could snap at any more movement. We have gone to this concert for the past two years now. We always come home sore, exhausted, sunburnt and yet somehow feel refreshed on life. Hopefully this year is no different. I am so excited I even promised Tom I would go in the pool at the hotel with him…and those who know me know I do not swim.

Well, off to pack the rest of the bags and maybe watch an episode of Bones with my husband. Oh how I love that man 🙂

Later days blog world!

 

Nikkosism 2

24 Jul

Nikkos: Mommy, why would someone kill someone else if they aren’t even mad at them?

Me: I’m not really sure, bud. Some people are just very bad people.

Nikkos: That makes me sad.

Me: Me too, but not everyone is a bad guy.

Nikkos: Do you think Papa could fight bad guys?

Me: I bet he could

Nikkos: Grandpas can be like super heros, huh?

Me: They sure can sometimes.

 

The innocence of my son makes me despise the man who murdered and wounded so many people even more.

I’m Tired Of Sitting At The Kids Table

23 Jul

What is the point of blogging if I am not going to be completely honest. Sometimes it is easiest to pretend like I have this happy life with this happy family with my head screwed on completely straight. After all, it is far easier to pretend you are perfect then to actually be perfect.

The truth is, I am not perfect. I have flaws, my family has flaws. Sometimes I feel suffocated by my life and by my desire to please everyone. In the middle of it all I realize that I have not been pleasing the one person who matters most, myself. I don’t know how to separate myself from the life I want to have…if that makes any sense at all.

I am tired of sitting at the kids table at family events

I am tired of being shrugged off

I am tired of people not taking my job seriously

Or asking about it at all.

I am tired of constantly feeling like I have to be “on.”

Sometimes I want to be imperfect and I want myself and others to be ok with that. I want to be able to have bad days where people don’t automatically blame it on my anxiety. Sometimes it is just me having a bad day. Everyone has bad days, not everyone has anxiety disorders. Why do mine always have to be lumped together? It is very hard for me to not be taken seriously, to not be seen as an adult. I have kids like an adult, I have a job like an adult, I pay my own bills like an adult.

I am not 16 anymore. I can decide what is best for my family. I don’t need constant advice and people telling me what I NEED to do. If I feel that it is best for my family to move then we will move. If I want to wait two years to go back to school full time then I will do that. It hurts that people don’t trust my judgement on decisions in my own life. I feel like I have done a pretty good job with my decision making the past few years.

That reminds me of a Brandi Carlile song.

Anyway, San Antonio looks like a great place to raise a family. If I want to move there with my family I will. If it is best for my family it will happen, if it isn’t good for my family it won’t happen. It is as easy as that.

Say You’re Sorry. I Can Take It

21 Jul

I don’t really know what to write today. I am having a bad day. An anxious day. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing what is best for my family or just what is easiest. My brain knows how irrational those thoughts are because  work incredibly hard to have a happy family, but my heart always feels like something is missing. Some simplicity that doesn’t exist in my life.

I know a big part of it is that I have gotten my feelings hurt and nothing ever seems to change. I wish my family loved my kids as much as I do. I wish they begged to watch them the way I know some grandparents do. I wish things weren’t so conditional with them. I feel like it is pulling teeth to get them to be the grandparents I so wish they were. I feel like my family is just an inconvenience to them. I know my standards are too high, but I don’t feel like I need to lower them either. I feel like my kids are worth so much more than others think they are. Does every parent feel this way?

I am not an idiot, although sometimes I wish I could be just for a day. Oblivious to manipulation and politics and deception.

Tom’s parents really just don’t seem to care. No manipulation there, just ignorance I guess. My dad and his wife are busy. At least they don’t parade around pretending like they do more than they actually do. My mom….well…shes my mom. I don’t really know what to think about it.

It makes me sad that Tom and I want to be gone one night and we have to split the kids up because they are too much work together…apparently. I watch them every single day and managed to survive up until this point. I know they are hard work. I live with them.

Sometimes I just want to move far away so at least we can make a justification as to why their grandparents don’t see them. Everyone says they would watch them if we just asked, but why do we always have to ask? Why don’t they ask to see my kids? I know my anxiety is typing and I know my perception may be skewed due to it. I also know what reality is and I am trying to cope with the fact that my kids just wont have the grandparents I wish they could have had.

Why are my grandparents better grandparents to my kids than my own parents?

I guess I can make it easy by blaming myself. I had my son when I was 19. My parents weren’t ready to be grandparents. The issue with that justification is that I really don’t believe myself when I say it. I wasn’t ready to be a mom when I was 19, but my kids made it worth stepping up to the plate.

I will be ok. I will have better days ahead. I always do. I will have moments where I feel like my family is my saving grace. I will.

I see some soul searching in my future.

God Bless Colorado

20 Jul

The plan was to write a post about going to the zoo with my family yesterday, but tragic events have happened in the city I call home today. A gunman went into a full movie theater and opened fire killing 12 and injuring 60 others. I don’t know that even the most refined of minds can wrap themselves around such an evil and senseless act. My heart hurts for the victims, their families, my state and my country.

When will the violence stop? When will people learn to appreciate what they have? When will people learn how quickly a life can be taken? When will people value family and friends as much as they should?

I will be the first to admit I lose sight of the most important things, really the most important people in my life. I wished for thirty minutes of silence when I bet all the families of the victims wish for is thirty more minutes of WORDS. Thirty more minutes of SMILES. Thirty more minutes to say I love you. What a humbling experience.

I do not know what I would do if something so tragic ever happened to the ones I love. I mourn for the people who witnessed such a lack of humanity. I don’t think my city will ever be the same. I am saddened by the fact that when I used to say I lived in Littleton, Colorado people automatically thought of the Columbine Massacre and now when I tell people that I live in Aurora, Colorado they will think of this shooting. Why do such horrific things happen in such a beautiful state to such innocent people? I find that there are far more questions than answers for me.

One person changed the lives of thousands of people and for what? Fame?

My dad has taken my son to that movie theater. I get sick at the thought that something like that could have happened to them. I have been there a few times too. It hits too close to home. Ten miles from home to be literal.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the many victims and their loved ones. I certainly gave my kids a few extra hugs today, something I need to remember to do every day because life really is too short. I plan to donate blood next week. Its the one small thing I can do to help my community that has been through so much this summer.

God bless Colorado.

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